The end of our TTC Blog.

Might as well write this while I'm still mostly numb and in shock.

I guess I'll be closing down this blog, as we're neither WTT or TTC ever again.

I had the surgery and my last remaining tube was too damaged to fix and needed to come out. This means I can never naturally conceive a baby ever again. The only way to possibly get pregnant again is through IVF. The only way for us to afford IVF is through insurance, which means it'll take a few years as Bill will need education and training in a new job that will offer it (most places around here offer to cover IVF if you're in a medical field) and we'll probably need to move out of state to a move IVF friendly place (PA is one of the very non-friendly places). It would be nice to find out that a state we've been hoping to move to is more open to it as IVF is offered under more insurances than just the medical field.

Even at best though, just being able to move, get settled in a new job and get insurance (this is if no education is needed for new job) it'll be about two years. If education is needed, it could be 3-5 years in the future.

So this blog, so full of beautifully detailed dreams and plans, needs to close. I have no idea if we'll ever have children in the future. I have no idea how things will go even if we get to try IVF. Everything is so uncertain.

We had to unpack my hospital bag the other day to take all of my stuff in for surgery, and it was loaded in things for the next pregnancy. Everything I'd need in labor and post-care, a beautiful labor gown with a glittery unicorn that says Birth Without Fear, little Juicy Couture baby outfits with Mattie Nora labels on them. I couldn't look at any of it, I had to have Bill do it, but I knew what was in there. I remembered all the special things I had been collecting and saving for our baby that was supposed to arrive this year. My memory is usually terrible, but I could remember all the little things that were in that bag and it broke my heart.

Mostly, that's how it feels about everything now. I've had such bad baby fever for a year. While ttc'ing for a few months, it hurt to see newborns and pregnant women because I wanted it so much. Now? Now I'm just shattered. I'm too hurt to even make sense of anything. I cried and cried last week, but since the surgery I'm too far gone to cry. I know it'll happen, in a few days or a few weeks I'll have a massive break down and cry for hours. I'm estimating probably when Bill goes back to work and takes all of my strength with him (as he is my only strength holding me together right now).

I don't know how to handle this hand I've been dealt. I don't know how to sweep up my shattered future and start piecing together a new one. It's just so blank and empty. I feel blank and empty. I get angry when people tell me I have two blessings to be thankful for. Of course I"m thankful for them, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be devastated that the option of having more of the only things I've ever wanted has been forcibly taken from me forever. I love motherhood. I love being pregnant, and having infants and growing babies. I love the whole process. It's not fair that it was stripped from me, especially after losing two babies and only getting to keep two. I always wanted a big family, and I can't see reason as to why it's been taken from me.

I trust God. I'm not saying He's forsaken me. I trust that this is in His plan for me, and there's a reason for it. But that doesn't make this less hard. It doesn't make it hurt less. It makes there be some hope for the future, some trust that there's light at the end of a very dark, long tunnel, but it does not calm the storm inside me yet. I understand His plan is different and better than my own, and that He's always led me to great things. But this is one curveball I never saw coming in a million years. It honestly may be more shocking to me than getting cancer, or miscarrying after hitting the "safety zone". I'm just so shocked and so shattered and so lost.

I'm waiting for our new path to be revealed, for a light to shine in the darkness and tell me which steps to take. For now I just grieve, I cling to the numbness and hope it doesn't wear off too soon. I focus on physically healing, on my incisions to heal and for my insides to not feel like they're falling out and for me to walk across the house again without bad pains. I know how to heal physically, that I can handle. I don't know how to begin emotionally healing. That will be a very different journey.

Jesse

We saw Dr. Cammerano today. He didn't want to do surgery as there are no symptoms and it seems quite likely that I'm having a miscarriage along with my bleeding cyst.

I did start to bleed again and pass small clots, so that pretty much totally rules out any chances of viability. Unfortunately it still doesn't 100% rule out ectopic, so I'll still have to be monitored. It was a relief to not have to go into surgery though, especially as it wouldn't do much. The doctors that were pushing for surgery basically said at very best, if it was an ectopic there'd be a small chance of saving enough tube to get pregnant again naturally, but the chances of repeat ectopics would be very high. So pretty much if it was an ectopic, either way I'm out of having kids from now on. I continually pray that it's not an ectopic, and God will see me through this. I may not get the shining ray of light of a viable pregnancy out of this, but it'll be a big relief to keep hold of my fertility through it.

We didn't want to just dismiss this baby. It was early, but we knew about it, we fought hard to keep it,  refused testing that could have brought us peace of mind to give it a chance, we saw it multiple times on the ultrasound. It felt wrong to do so much for Elizabeth, and do nothing for this baby at all after everything we went through this week. Of course it was too early to "know" this baby or to even be able to feel out anything about it, so we picked out a gender neutral name. Our baby #4 will be remembered as Jesse. They have their own stuffed animal that Bill bought me in the hospital to hold onto and comfort. It's a teddy bear in an elephant outfit. The teddy bear will sit on our bedroom shelf in the arms of Elizabeth's lion. I'd also like to get a small cross with Jamie's name on it to put at Elizabeth's spot so they can share a place.

So if everything stays well, we'll have more testing done on Monday and see where to go from there. I'll be in continuous prayer until then that it's not an ectopic.

My long hospital trip...

I'm currently in the hospital, been here sine Wednesday night and it's now Saturday afternoon. Maybe I should have been more specific with my bfp wish!

I went to the ER in acute pain, and after a while, they asked me if I knew I was pregnant and then estimated me at 3 weeks. At first, they told me I was 1 cm dilated and was miscarrying, which is what the pain was from.

Then they found out that I had a bleeding large cyst on my ovary, which was pushing blood into my abdomen and causing the pain. They also said it could be an ectopic pregnancy. They had no idea the status of the baby.

I spent much of the next day crying in fear of becoming infertile and losing this baby, what could possibly be our very last. Our family has been wonderful with helping us during this, and I have hundreds of people praying over my health and the baby's.

UPDATE: I didn't get to finish this with so much going on Saturday. It's now Sunday morning. I returned home yesterday with many restrictions. If I have any pains or symptoms, I have to be rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately this means I don't get to see the kids much, and now they have to go back to their Aunt Sara's so that if something does happen, we can rush out of here. I miss them so much, I;m struggling a lot to be away from them.

I'm feeling mostly fine so far, apart from some pain last night that got worse when I had an anxiety attack. I had a full night's rest without pain and without any nurses waking me up constantly. My bleeding is still strictly old blood and just when I wipe. I'm nervous about tomorrow's test results.

Bill and I have been trying to stay calm about this pregnancy, but it's hard. It's hard not to get attached like we tried to do an failed. We're trying to keep an open mind still, and know that the chances are it won't work out. We've already put some plans together in case this baby doesn't make it. We have a name and a way to honor them. Bill bought me a little elephant teddy bear at the hospital to cuddle and represent the baby, as he knew this pregnancy was going to be elephant themed. We hope that we won't have to use any of the plans we made, and this baby will go on to become our healthy, wonderful new baby that we get to bring home for good. It's hard to battle the knowledge of the percentages with the emotional attachment that instantly comes with knowing there's a baby inside of you.

CD1, Cycle 3

Here we go again!

I knew this wouldn't be our month, I'm quite sure we skipped over O, but it's still disappointing to not get a bfp before Christmas. This means that there won't be a bfp at all in 2015. Hopefully that means 2016 will start off with a fun adventure!

This cycle was the last one for a summery baby, which stinks because I hate having babies in the middle of winter. However, it might encourage me to get down South by next winter even more!

Bill has always wanted an October baby, so I know he's going to try like crazy this next cycle. It's the first time we ever had a real shot at it. I would much rather a spring baby as opposed to a late fall baby, but I also don't want to wait until almost summer to start trying. I'd like my bfp as soon as possible, please! I don't really have time to be picky with birthdays, since we want to have this next baby up North before we move and have different insurance, which means asap. We have the opportunity to move starting next month (January), but we're holding off moving for now since we want this baby and Will has a hernia that needs to be watched and probably have surgery on in the next 6 months.

So hurry up, bfp! We're both very eager for our next little one and have so many plans!

Cy2, CD22

I'm CD 22. I have no idea when to expect AF after last cycle. I feel like I might get it early.

However, I'm alright with it. I want a normal cycle, but have made peace with a bfn coming. I'm now focused on the Christmas season. I have about a dozen different treats to make, and Katie is loving Christmas carols and movies so we've been having lots of fun.

In my mind, we're on a Christmas break and we'll resume TTC on the next cycle, which places O about 3-4 days after Christmas.

CD somewhere past O, cycle 2.

Well, I'm pretty sure now what happened last month. I had the idea, and apparently Bill did too. What's currently going on sort of confirms our thoughts, though I debated against recording it. To keep things straight though, I decided I should.

Last month we definitely hit ovulation, twice a day every day beforehand, then during.

Then I got my period just one week after ovulation, at Cd23. I have never gotten a period so early, even when heavily nursing or still adjusting after a baby. I've never skipped an entire week of a cycle before. Especially when I knew the exact day I O'ed.

And then the AF itself was all wrong. Clots happened before bleeding. It lasted a total of 7-8 days, when I'm normally only ever 4-5. My heavy day are normally the first 2-3 days only, and AF was very heavy until day 6. It even looked different in color.

This month, I'm emotionally insane for no reason. I'm super sappy and gushy. I'm super clingy and connected to Bill. My sex drive is through the roof and completely insatiable. All these things happened exactly like this right after I miscarried Elizabeth.

So now we're pretty sure that we didn't just fail at getting pregnant. We probably were successful in getting sperm to meet egg, but either it didn't form properly or didn't attach correctly, etc. All the signs showed that it started to happen, but didn't work out. I'm really glad I didn't test early, because I think it would have been crushing to see that. Having it be just speculation sucks enough.

At the very least, hopefully that's the last cycle that is messed up and it's not the start of multiple months of an undependable cycle.

As for this month, we NTNP. I purposely didn't keep track of my cycle days, though I'm quite sure I'm about two days after ovulation now. I believe AF is due around December 14th, so we'll see how that goes.

CD1

Well, not exactly sure what happened, but I'm on CD1, which is 5 days early. I don't know when I've ever been 5 days early, so I'm more surprised at that than I am that I'm not pregnant. I have no idea why my cycle was so thrown off and only 23 days long. I definitely O'ed on day 13-14, so cutting off a week seems so odd.

The cycle itself being so messed up is potentially why I didn't get pregnant this time. It definitely makes it hard to understand. Will nursed a lot after we got home from vacation, it's possible it messed it up slightly, but I don't see it as being so drastically different as to cause a 5 day jump.

We didn't get to DTD on the second day of O, but that shouldn't have been why. We did it twice a day for the whole week leading up to it, and hit the first day of it.

I was hoping that if we did get a bfn, it would at least be something I could learn from and use for later. This is too messed up, it doesn't make enough sense, so it feels like a wasted cycle.

8DPO, Cy #1

I'm trying so hard to not symptom spot. It's still early. I hate when others come up with long symptoms that are just standard daily things until you put them under a microscope and search for pregnancy.

However, I can't stop those little feelings that immediately pop up and say "Ah, what if that means we got it?" I hate not knowing if there's something in there or not! So yes, I'm mildly symptom spotting. Not taking temps or anything, not actually looking, but I feel things.

I'm 8 DPO. I have 6 more days until AF is due. Since yesterday, I've been crampy for no reason. My ovary hurts like Ovulation, but I'm past that. I'm not working out, just taking it easy, which usually doesn't lead to such early cramping. I have spikey stabbing pain in my cervix.

I KNOW that it's only a 50/50 chance. I know that logically, I'm probably not pregnant. It's our very first cycle, I'm still breastfeeding, things aren't always exactly on schedule, we didn't DTD while I was actually supposed to be O'ing. There's a lot counting against me here. And yet, every little cramp or stab makes me gasp a little in wonder.

TTC'ing won't be as difficult after this month. This just had a lot riding on it: special themes, special announcements, special baby gifts and ideas. After this month, I'll default back to what I have always planned. I just can't wait to see which way it goes.

Since AF was late last month, I'm now due on the 20th. I'll be testing on the 18th. Just have to ride it out until Wednesday and try to contain my curiosity!

TTC kick off on the Disney Fantasy

We are back from our amazing, wonderful cruise! We're now in the two week wait, and I'm about 5 DPO. I'm very unsure about how we did. At first, it went really well - the first three days, we managed to DTD twice a day. The day I O'ed, we only were able to do it once. The next day I was still finishing up O'ing, and we didn't get to do it at all as that day we woke up super early to go run the Disney 5K on their private island. We had activities to do all day that day until about 11:30, where I passed out immediately after coming back to the room.

So it's possible that it worked, but it's also very possible that we didn't hit it at the right times. Either way, it was definitely a fun factor to our cruise. It was still the kickstart of our TTC journey, and we did it in style.

We got the Romance Package, which was beautiful to walk into and so much fun. The robes we received (and I'm still wearing) were super soft and plush. The champagne was delicious, the chocolates paired perfectly with it, and the rose was beautiful.



I was tempted to buy a Disney Cruise Line onesie there, but decided against it, but it's definitely something I'll have to remember if we do get a BFP.

The whole time I wanted a pregnancy announcement picture (a picture with us as a family and me with my hands on my belly) and we didn't get it, so I'd have to figure out something else now. There was just so much to do on the cruise! We enjoyed every minute, but we already have a list of what we need to do next time that didn't happen this time.

Something I realized on our way home, was that November 18th is Mickey Mouse's birthday - that's the day I've been saying I'll be testing. So we'll know if we're expecting our Disney Souvenir on Mickey's birthday. A pretty cute touch if it does work out!

9 more days to see if we were successful.

We've Arrived!

Okay, it's now official - I'm CD1 on our very first TTC cycle for our next baby!

Two weeks from now, I'll be relaxing on beaches, meeting Disney family, eating amazingly well, and keeping our fingers crossed that we bring home an extra special Disney Souvenir!

In all probability, the chances are low that we'll succeed on our first try, but it's definitely fun to officially be TTC either way. We're both so eager to start on this new journey and bringing a new little person into our family.

This cycle was a day and a half late, which was really annoying and stressful. But next month, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that AF is really, really, really late - and not come at all!

9 Days until....

There's only about 9 days left to this cycle! That means next Wednesday or so we'll be in our first TTC cycle. It's so exciting to be on the edge of a new adventure!

I've been doing a lot to get ready. I've been working out and lifting weights to try to build some muscle and get into workout routines. I want this to be my best pregnancy yet, so I'm hoping to get everything set ahead of time.

I'm sticking more to a schedule now with housework and with the kids. Hopefully it'll make things a bit easier to keep up with once I'm exhausted and puking.

I'm drinking more water. While I never drank any caffeine while pregnant with Katie and small amounts with Will, I'm currently drinking more caffeine to keep up with them, the house, and out of house things than ever. I'm slowly weaning myself back off of it. I stopped buying coke, so I only drink it when Bill buys it. One gallon of tea is lasting me about a week and a half. I still drink morning coffee, that'll be the hardest to get rid of. It's basically sugar milk with caffeine as I don't drink "real" coffee, just the caramel macchiato that comes in half gallons, but it's not what I want to be relying on to wake up even before getting pregnant. Maybe the cruise, where I'll be without it for 9 days, will help break my need.

I have half of Christmas already bought and coming in the mail, so I have a head start on that as well.

Getting pregnant in October/November is what I know best already. I got pregnant with Katie in October and Elizabeth in November. This time, if I get pregnant, it would be between October 31st - November 4th.

I can't wait to be on the cruise, going to beautiful island beaches, and having a Romance Package of champagne, roses, and bathrobes in our room and start trying for a new little one. What a way to kick off a TTC session! We're getting better at this as we go! lol

Disney just released a new bedding set - Mickey Nautical! Absolutely perfect, of course, for this next baby. Trying very hard to resist getting anything that we don't need - even when it was 40% off! This baby will need very little, so I'll only be getting a few things here and there. I can't get too much anyway as we won't know what we're having, so gender neutral will have to fit it all.

Info for Next Month

To remind myself next month:

Yesterday semi worked, I spotted all day, but I don't think I can call it CD 1, so I'm labeling today, the 23rd, as Day 1. 

That means that October 21st I'll be due for my next period so hopefully I'll be finished by October 27th, and then I'll ovulate around November 4th.

If all goes along those lines, November 18th I'll either be getting my period again or I'll be looking at a BFP! <3

Two Days Late

My cycles were like clockwork for months now. So of course, it would throw me a curveball the very month before I need it to be exactly on time!

Today is two days after I was supposed to get my period. I've been dying of severe cramps the whole time, but nothing to show for it. Now I'm off my perfect schedule! I absolutely refused to go another day off my schedule, so I figured the way you go into labor would be similar to how to go about getting a period since it deals with all the same parts.

Luckily, it looks like I succeeded. Still keeping my fingers crossed. Today should be Day One of my cycle, which means I'd now be due for my next cycle on the 20th. If I'm on time next month, I'll ovulate for our first TTC cycle on November 3rd - which is when we'll be on the cruise. Still good, still means no period for our vacation (like last time!) and we'll be in a position to bring home our extra Disney souvenir.

Just still praying that today is truly day #1!

Luckily we didn't slip up at all last month to make me paranoid or I'd be a mess right now. 8 weeks pregnant on the cruise would equal nonstop puking time for me!

Getting Closer

It's now mid-September, and on the cusp of cycle #9. That means that there's just ONE more cycle left to go until we're officially TTC!

I spent half of the year wondering if I'd be ready, because Will was such a handful as a baby that it left me a bit traumatized! However, I'm so ready now. I'm very eager to have another.

We had to make a tough and important decision the other day, balancing what's best for our current family and our future family. We were given the opportunity to move down South in November. To do that though, we had a chance of me being without insurance (unless I wanted to go on medicaid and find a good OBGYN that would accept it, and probably never see a midwife) which meant it would be really stressful and we'd have to hold off getting pregnant for another year. That would result in a 3.5 year age gap between Will and the new baby, and a 6 year age gap for Katie. I never wanted my kids to be spaced so far, and that would mean we'd have to have fewer kids in the long run too, as I don't want to go past 34 years old being pregnant.

So we had to decide if we wanted to move to our dream destination, or stay stuck in the same place, wasting money, for at least another year and have a baby while we still have good insurance and a more stable place. We chose to have a baby. Family comes first, before changing jobs, before moving to better locations, before changing homes just because we'd rather a bigger, nicer place.

The move will still happen, but it's put on hold for a year while we have our baby and gather more money into savings. It'll be a more stable move, so it's wise all around, but it's also disappointing as we were hoping to be out before Christmas. However, this means that Katie gets to finish her year out in ballet, which she's absolutely crazy over, we get to have one more Christmas in our starter home, and we can gradually sell and pack and have things less stressful.

In the meanwhile, I'm focusing on all the fun we're about to have. We are going to Will's first Day out with Thomas on Sunday. Two weeks later we'll be heading out of state so Katie and Bill can be in a wedding (Katie's second time being a flower girl). A week after that is Bill's birthday, after that is Trick or Treating,  our cruise and when we get to start TTC. Once we come back from the cruise, we'll be fully thrown into the holiday season and hopefully we'll be lucky enough to start the new year with a new little bundle on the way to make 2016 off to a bright, exciting new start!

Cycle 7 already!

Cycle 7 started a few days ago, on Saturday July 25th. It wasn't due until today, the 27th. So far the cycles have always been at least 29-30 days long, so it's interesting that this one cut so short.

When we were planning on trying in June, I knew that I'd get pregnant in July. For over a year, I just knew it would happen. Then my July cycle comes, and I know I would have gotten pregnant if we had been trying. My body hyper-ovulated like crazy, which is why I think I got my period a bit early too. I actually got really sick right before AF happened, I laid in bed super nauseous and feeling like I was going to throw up any second. I felt exhausted and sick...usually my first signs. I was definitely nervous that my body had gone ahead and gotten pregnant even when we were being as careful as usual. So even though it was inconvenient to get AF early, it was a big relief!

If my cycles stay on this track, we should be set to start trying to the first week of November. Hoping it stays it's course!

Cycle 6

Cycle six is now here, came on June 29th - which is great news because that means my cycles are further regulating. I was always 28 days, and slowly through the months I went from 32 day cycles to now 29. If this continues and it stays 28-29 days long each month, it means I won't have my period for our big cruise vacation AND I'll be ovulating while on it - so we can start our TTC'ing while we're on our amazing vacation and perhaps bring back a little souvenier with us. Plus, you know, I'll be able to also enjoy the beach, the pools, the hot tubs, the water rides and participate in the DisneyRun on Castaway Cay Island as well! So far, so good.

Yesterday I felt like it was coming, I was cramping badly but it wasn't happening. I wanted to make sure it wouldn't hold off for a few more days, so we went on a three mile fast paced walk. Working out usually helps to get it going, and I think it helped here too. I woke up at 8:30 and by 9, I had it. Unfortunately it meant we couldn't go on another three mile walk this morning (I LOVE that backwoods trail, I would love to walk it every day!) but I'm happy as is.

And thanks to having an amazing husband, yesterday he made sure I was well stocked with two kinds of my favorite ice cream, a 2 liter of Coke (my drink of choice for periods) and a giant Hershey's dark chocolate bar. It definitely makes dealing with cramps, bloating and uncomfortableness when I have that to fall back on!

Plans in Motion

All of our plans are going great. We've now found the exact apartments we're planning to move to that fit all of our needs (a main one and a back up, both close to each other and very similar), have budgeted it all out, and have an idea of when we'd like to move. We have a date that we absolutely want to be gone by (June 2017 is the latest). I've signed Katie up for Ballet, and if it goes well, I'll add acro classes too (which would be two fun classes each week to attend). Everything is going quite well...the only thing I can't plan, and what's preventing me from doing actual dates for moving, is the next pregnancy.

I absolutely do not want to move mid-pregnancy. I don't want to change doctors half way through, I don't want to be sick driving the 12 hours back and forth until we're settled, and I don't want to be packing and unpacking while sick or huge.I also don't want to move with a brand new baby, I'd like to at least wait until they're 3 months old ideally. So the date we move greatly depends on how long it'll take us to get pregnant and when the baby is due.

However, all of those dates means that 2016 would totally be out of the question to move, unless it took us more than 6 months to get pregnant (because of Katie's ballet classes, we want to stay here until June 2016 so she gets to go her recital). I'm not quite ready to say we won't move in 2016, because we've been discussing it at length as a major possibility. I'd love to have this coming winter be our last full PA winter either way. I think I'd consider moving while pregnant if I got pregnant with a winter baby, as I hate having a newborn and worrying about giving birth in the winter.

So while everything seems pretty set, the timing is so much in the air. I'm eager to see how to plays out. So far we're doing what we can daily - Bill works overtime every day so we can put money away in our emergency/moving fund and finish up paying off the few thousand we have left in student loans. I've been slowly going through everything in the attic and decluttering, selling or chucking what we don't plan to move with. We're prepping the finished two room attic to become my Father-in-Law's apartment, which will bring $500 more a month to us and help with moving all of us down South. I've been making strides to keep the grocery bill lower and make everything by hand. We eat out less to save more. I'm even keeping a close eye on lights being on to lessen the eletricity bill. Every penny counts right now, and the more frugal we can be, the faster we can make it down south - and in better shape.

We still haven't decided if we plan to get our big house right away down there (there's a few that I'd jump on RIGHT NOW if I could) or if we want to stay in something smaller for a while so we can live a few years with zero mortgage and use that time to save up to pay for a big house outright. I'm eager to get the kids into a home where we can stretch out, but the idea of having no mortgage is so enticing that I may be willing to be a bit cramped for a bit longer so we can have more money and no fear. Most likely that decision will come when we're down in North Carolina already and we're house hunting.

Just keeping track of cycles...

I've been forgetting to write down and track my cycles, so it's getting more complicated to see how things are playing out. I'm now on cycle 5, and I believe I'm pretty close to normal. I have NO idea when it happened in April, but I remember it was a little late. In May, it started on the 2nd. I started today, on June first, which means I'm on a 30 day cycle now. I was on a 35-38 day cycle for the first few months, so that means I'm continuing to regulate. The crappy part is it looks like I'll have it for mine and Katie's birthday celebrations plus Independance Day. =/ If it stays 30 days or goes back to 28, I'll be due between the 29th and 1st of July. I'm hoping the cycles shorten and stop being at the end/beginning of each month as I'd hate to have AF on our cruise, which is October 31st and the whole first week of November!

More plans and Changes

A lot has been happening lately! We've been forming multiple plans for this year and beyond that change our timelines for our future babies.

The first is that we're definitely moving to the South now. We have a main plan and a back up. Our goal is 2-3 years, and the plans are already in effect. Bill picked up an extra half a shift each work day so that we make an extra $100 a week to put towards student loans and then towards saving for the new house. I'm looking at work that I can do from home to bring a bit extra in and make things go even faster (I'm looking at things outside of what I already do, like my paid mod jobs and crocheting business). My father in law is most likely moving in with us this summer. It'll save him money in living conditions and add a few hundred dollars a month to our moving fund (he's coming with us down south, we're planning on getting an in law suite for him) so moving in benefits all of us.

I'd like to have one more baby up north and I don't want to get pregnant in the middle of our big move, so we're trying to change around dates to make that happen. At the same time, we're now going on a big Disney Cruise on Halloween. I don't want to be pregnant for that, as I can't be more than 4 months pregnant to go on and less than that I'll be terribly sick. So our new goal is to move our TTC date from June to start trying in November, have a baby sometime next year (a November conception would be an August baby). That baby will then be a year or two old during the move, and we'll hold off having #4 until we're settled in our new home.

Our original goal was to move in 5 years, but that just seemed like too long. We shortened it down to 3, and are currently hoping that we can do a little less than that (two years) depending on what happens in the next year or so. Meanwhile, we're fixing up our home  (repainting and such) to get it in good condition so we can list it in a year. We're also downsizing a lot, both for when we move and to fit my FIL in our finished attic (which is set up to be two bedrooms, but currently is overflowing with all of our extra stuff). We have a lot to do, which makes it exciting to me. I love planning, making lists, and having projects to constantly work on. Each step closer to moving is a cause for celebration and the fact that we're already working through our 3 year plan each day is even more exciting. I can't wait to make our big move! If everything stays the way we plan it, we should be moving at the same time as my parents and siblings are moving too. They're headed to South Carolina, and we'll be in a state boarding them - either North or South, we're not sure yet. North Carolina is our goal and Georgia is our back up currently, even though the gorgeous homes and land in Georgia that are in our current price range does make it even more tempting, so I'm not sure if it's a back up or still as much a possibility as NC is. Both states have so many pros to them! In the end, it'll probably come down to what job is open when we're ready to go, so we're leaving it up in the air. Both places we're looking at are amazing and we love, so I don't really have a favorite or pulling for one or the other - I just know I want to be in one of them asap!

New Goals, New Plans

I love when life shows us a new path, or when our hard times turn into something beautifully positive and meant to be. 

Our baby and children plans may be changing a bit, as far as timing and such. We're hoping to have all of our children born in the next 5 years, before we make our big move. 

We've been planning to move out of the area for a while now, but we weren't happy with anywhere we could find. Nothing seemed right, or where we really wanted to spend the rest of our lives. The search got put on hold though when Bill's work took him out of his old position and put him in a new place a few towns over and gave him a new job. It was hard on us - it's less money, training weeks hurt us financially and didn't allow overtime, and it was really depressing to Bill to work 6 years learning everything about his job and slowly moving up just to move to somewhere totally different. 

And then on Thursday, the light shown through. Bill found out that with his new job, we can move anywhere in the country (even Hawaii!) With his old job, it was only for this one place in PA, but this new job can have him transferred anywhere. His current partner has always wanted to live in Arizona his whole life, so he asked work to transfer him there. In two months, he'll be working at the same company but in his dream place. So we thought about it, did a bunch of research, and decided to get out of here. Neither of us like living in PA. I always wanted to move out of it.  We couldn't move out before because Bill has great insurance and didn't want to leave his job, but now both of those can come with us.

We looked at a map and picked out 4 states we would like to move, while doing research about weather, pricing, housing, etc of each. Our fantasy is Montana, but that one also scares me the most as it's so far away and different but the most beautiful place I've ever seen. Owning 20-40 acres there cost nothing and it's the most gorgeous place I've ever seen. 

More realistically though, we'll probably end up somewhere between Georgia and North Carolina. We've already found some absolutely gorgeous places with lots of land that's in our price range - in fact, some big homes with land cost as much as what we're paying for our small row home with no land right now. We can live very comfortably in a beautiful home and lovely weather and struggle much less down south than here. The laws for homeschooling are also much better there and we'd have to worry less about the government constantly getting stricter and creating more hoops to jump through by the year.

So we're taking the next five years to pay off the rest of our student loans, pay off large sums of our mortgage, create a big nest egg, and for Bill to continue moving up in his job and gaining seniority. Idealy, I'd like to finish having our babies up here so we don't have to drag all of our baby stuff (which takes up half of our house!) down with us or need a nursery in the new house. So if possible, we'd like to try to fit the rest of our kids in the 5 year mark. What that means for our family size, I'm not sure yet. If we decide to only have 4, then two more in five years is super easy. If we want more (6) we're probably not meeting the goal of having them all here and leave on time. 

Hopefully, 2020 will be an awesome year for us and bring a new home, state and place to love into our lives! It's renewed our excitement, created a goal and a new dream, and we have something real to work towards again.