The end of our TTC Blog.

Might as well write this while I'm still mostly numb and in shock.

I guess I'll be closing down this blog, as we're neither WTT or TTC ever again.

I had the surgery and my last remaining tube was too damaged to fix and needed to come out. This means I can never naturally conceive a baby ever again. The only way to possibly get pregnant again is through IVF. The only way for us to afford IVF is through insurance, which means it'll take a few years as Bill will need education and training in a new job that will offer it (most places around here offer to cover IVF if you're in a medical field) and we'll probably need to move out of state to a move IVF friendly place (PA is one of the very non-friendly places). It would be nice to find out that a state we've been hoping to move to is more open to it as IVF is offered under more insurances than just the medical field.

Even at best though, just being able to move, get settled in a new job and get insurance (this is if no education is needed for new job) it'll be about two years. If education is needed, it could be 3-5 years in the future.

So this blog, so full of beautifully detailed dreams and plans, needs to close. I have no idea if we'll ever have children in the future. I have no idea how things will go even if we get to try IVF. Everything is so uncertain.

We had to unpack my hospital bag the other day to take all of my stuff in for surgery, and it was loaded in things for the next pregnancy. Everything I'd need in labor and post-care, a beautiful labor gown with a glittery unicorn that says Birth Without Fear, little Juicy Couture baby outfits with Mattie Nora labels on them. I couldn't look at any of it, I had to have Bill do it, but I knew what was in there. I remembered all the special things I had been collecting and saving for our baby that was supposed to arrive this year. My memory is usually terrible, but I could remember all the little things that were in that bag and it broke my heart.

Mostly, that's how it feels about everything now. I've had such bad baby fever for a year. While ttc'ing for a few months, it hurt to see newborns and pregnant women because I wanted it so much. Now? Now I'm just shattered. I'm too hurt to even make sense of anything. I cried and cried last week, but since the surgery I'm too far gone to cry. I know it'll happen, in a few days or a few weeks I'll have a massive break down and cry for hours. I'm estimating probably when Bill goes back to work and takes all of my strength with him (as he is my only strength holding me together right now).

I don't know how to handle this hand I've been dealt. I don't know how to sweep up my shattered future and start piecing together a new one. It's just so blank and empty. I feel blank and empty. I get angry when people tell me I have two blessings to be thankful for. Of course I"m thankful for them, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be devastated that the option of having more of the only things I've ever wanted has been forcibly taken from me forever. I love motherhood. I love being pregnant, and having infants and growing babies. I love the whole process. It's not fair that it was stripped from me, especially after losing two babies and only getting to keep two. I always wanted a big family, and I can't see reason as to why it's been taken from me.

I trust God. I'm not saying He's forsaken me. I trust that this is in His plan for me, and there's a reason for it. But that doesn't make this less hard. It doesn't make it hurt less. It makes there be some hope for the future, some trust that there's light at the end of a very dark, long tunnel, but it does not calm the storm inside me yet. I understand His plan is different and better than my own, and that He's always led me to great things. But this is one curveball I never saw coming in a million years. It honestly may be more shocking to me than getting cancer, or miscarrying after hitting the "safety zone". I'm just so shocked and so shattered and so lost.

I'm waiting for our new path to be revealed, for a light to shine in the darkness and tell me which steps to take. For now I just grieve, I cling to the numbness and hope it doesn't wear off too soon. I focus on physically healing, on my incisions to heal and for my insides to not feel like they're falling out and for me to walk across the house again without bad pains. I know how to heal physically, that I can handle. I don't know how to begin emotionally healing. That will be a very different journey.

Jesse

We saw Dr. Cammerano today. He didn't want to do surgery as there are no symptoms and it seems quite likely that I'm having a miscarriage along with my bleeding cyst.

I did start to bleed again and pass small clots, so that pretty much totally rules out any chances of viability. Unfortunately it still doesn't 100% rule out ectopic, so I'll still have to be monitored. It was a relief to not have to go into surgery though, especially as it wouldn't do much. The doctors that were pushing for surgery basically said at very best, if it was an ectopic there'd be a small chance of saving enough tube to get pregnant again naturally, but the chances of repeat ectopics would be very high. So pretty much if it was an ectopic, either way I'm out of having kids from now on. I continually pray that it's not an ectopic, and God will see me through this. I may not get the shining ray of light of a viable pregnancy out of this, but it'll be a big relief to keep hold of my fertility through it.

We didn't want to just dismiss this baby. It was early, but we knew about it, we fought hard to keep it,  refused testing that could have brought us peace of mind to give it a chance, we saw it multiple times on the ultrasound. It felt wrong to do so much for Elizabeth, and do nothing for this baby at all after everything we went through this week. Of course it was too early to "know" this baby or to even be able to feel out anything about it, so we picked out a gender neutral name. Our baby #4 will be remembered as Jesse. They have their own stuffed animal that Bill bought me in the hospital to hold onto and comfort. It's a teddy bear in an elephant outfit. The teddy bear will sit on our bedroom shelf in the arms of Elizabeth's lion. I'd also like to get a small cross with Jamie's name on it to put at Elizabeth's spot so they can share a place.

So if everything stays well, we'll have more testing done on Monday and see where to go from there. I'll be in continuous prayer until then that it's not an ectopic.

My long hospital trip...

I'm currently in the hospital, been here sine Wednesday night and it's now Saturday afternoon. Maybe I should have been more specific with my bfp wish!

I went to the ER in acute pain, and after a while, they asked me if I knew I was pregnant and then estimated me at 3 weeks. At first, they told me I was 1 cm dilated and was miscarrying, which is what the pain was from.

Then they found out that I had a bleeding large cyst on my ovary, which was pushing blood into my abdomen and causing the pain. They also said it could be an ectopic pregnancy. They had no idea the status of the baby.

I spent much of the next day crying in fear of becoming infertile and losing this baby, what could possibly be our very last. Our family has been wonderful with helping us during this, and I have hundreds of people praying over my health and the baby's.

UPDATE: I didn't get to finish this with so much going on Saturday. It's now Sunday morning. I returned home yesterday with many restrictions. If I have any pains or symptoms, I have to be rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately this means I don't get to see the kids much, and now they have to go back to their Aunt Sara's so that if something does happen, we can rush out of here. I miss them so much, I;m struggling a lot to be away from them.

I'm feeling mostly fine so far, apart from some pain last night that got worse when I had an anxiety attack. I had a full night's rest without pain and without any nurses waking me up constantly. My bleeding is still strictly old blood and just when I wipe. I'm nervous about tomorrow's test results.

Bill and I have been trying to stay calm about this pregnancy, but it's hard. It's hard not to get attached like we tried to do an failed. We're trying to keep an open mind still, and know that the chances are it won't work out. We've already put some plans together in case this baby doesn't make it. We have a name and a way to honor them. Bill bought me a little elephant teddy bear at the hospital to cuddle and represent the baby, as he knew this pregnancy was going to be elephant themed. We hope that we won't have to use any of the plans we made, and this baby will go on to become our healthy, wonderful new baby that we get to bring home for good. It's hard to battle the knowledge of the percentages with the emotional attachment that instantly comes with knowing there's a baby inside of you.