Jesse

We saw Dr. Cammerano today. He didn't want to do surgery as there are no symptoms and it seems quite likely that I'm having a miscarriage along with my bleeding cyst.

I did start to bleed again and pass small clots, so that pretty much totally rules out any chances of viability. Unfortunately it still doesn't 100% rule out ectopic, so I'll still have to be monitored. It was a relief to not have to go into surgery though, especially as it wouldn't do much. The doctors that were pushing for surgery basically said at very best, if it was an ectopic there'd be a small chance of saving enough tube to get pregnant again naturally, but the chances of repeat ectopics would be very high. So pretty much if it was an ectopic, either way I'm out of having kids from now on. I continually pray that it's not an ectopic, and God will see me through this. I may not get the shining ray of light of a viable pregnancy out of this, but it'll be a big relief to keep hold of my fertility through it.

We didn't want to just dismiss this baby. It was early, but we knew about it, we fought hard to keep it,  refused testing that could have brought us peace of mind to give it a chance, we saw it multiple times on the ultrasound. It felt wrong to do so much for Elizabeth, and do nothing for this baby at all after everything we went through this week. Of course it was too early to "know" this baby or to even be able to feel out anything about it, so we picked out a gender neutral name. Our baby #4 will be remembered as Jesse. They have their own stuffed animal that Bill bought me in the hospital to hold onto and comfort. It's a teddy bear in an elephant outfit. The teddy bear will sit on our bedroom shelf in the arms of Elizabeth's lion. I'd also like to get a small cross with Jamie's name on it to put at Elizabeth's spot so they can share a place.

So if everything stays well, we'll have more testing done on Monday and see where to go from there. I'll be in continuous prayer until then that it's not an ectopic.