Jesse

We saw Dr. Cammerano today. He didn't want to do surgery as there are no symptoms and it seems quite likely that I'm having a miscarriage along with my bleeding cyst.

I did start to bleed again and pass small clots, so that pretty much totally rules out any chances of viability. Unfortunately it still doesn't 100% rule out ectopic, so I'll still have to be monitored. It was a relief to not have to go into surgery though, especially as it wouldn't do much. The doctors that were pushing for surgery basically said at very best, if it was an ectopic there'd be a small chance of saving enough tube to get pregnant again naturally, but the chances of repeat ectopics would be very high. So pretty much if it was an ectopic, either way I'm out of having kids from now on. I continually pray that it's not an ectopic, and God will see me through this. I may not get the shining ray of light of a viable pregnancy out of this, but it'll be a big relief to keep hold of my fertility through it.

We didn't want to just dismiss this baby. It was early, but we knew about it, we fought hard to keep it,  refused testing that could have brought us peace of mind to give it a chance, we saw it multiple times on the ultrasound. It felt wrong to do so much for Elizabeth, and do nothing for this baby at all after everything we went through this week. Of course it was too early to "know" this baby or to even be able to feel out anything about it, so we picked out a gender neutral name. Our baby #4 will be remembered as Jesse. They have their own stuffed animal that Bill bought me in the hospital to hold onto and comfort. It's a teddy bear in an elephant outfit. The teddy bear will sit on our bedroom shelf in the arms of Elizabeth's lion. I'd also like to get a small cross with Jamie's name on it to put at Elizabeth's spot so they can share a place.

So if everything stays well, we'll have more testing done on Monday and see where to go from there. I'll be in continuous prayer until then that it's not an ectopic.

My long hospital trip...

I'm currently in the hospital, been here sine Wednesday night and it's now Saturday afternoon. Maybe I should have been more specific with my bfp wish!

I went to the ER in acute pain, and after a while, they asked me if I knew I was pregnant and then estimated me at 3 weeks. At first, they told me I was 1 cm dilated and was miscarrying, which is what the pain was from.

Then they found out that I had a bleeding large cyst on my ovary, which was pushing blood into my abdomen and causing the pain. They also said it could be an ectopic pregnancy. They had no idea the status of the baby.

I spent much of the next day crying in fear of becoming infertile and losing this baby, what could possibly be our very last. Our family has been wonderful with helping us during this, and I have hundreds of people praying over my health and the baby's.

UPDATE: I didn't get to finish this with so much going on Saturday. It's now Sunday morning. I returned home yesterday with many restrictions. If I have any pains or symptoms, I have to be rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately this means I don't get to see the kids much, and now they have to go back to their Aunt Sara's so that if something does happen, we can rush out of here. I miss them so much, I;m struggling a lot to be away from them.

I'm feeling mostly fine so far, apart from some pain last night that got worse when I had an anxiety attack. I had a full night's rest without pain and without any nurses waking me up constantly. My bleeding is still strictly old blood and just when I wipe. I'm nervous about tomorrow's test results.

Bill and I have been trying to stay calm about this pregnancy, but it's hard. It's hard not to get attached like we tried to do an failed. We're trying to keep an open mind still, and know that the chances are it won't work out. We've already put some plans together in case this baby doesn't make it. We have a name and a way to honor them. Bill bought me a little elephant teddy bear at the hospital to cuddle and represent the baby, as he knew this pregnancy was going to be elephant themed. We hope that we won't have to use any of the plans we made, and this baby will go on to become our healthy, wonderful new baby that we get to bring home for good. It's hard to battle the knowledge of the percentages with the emotional attachment that instantly comes with knowing there's a baby inside of you.

CD1, Cycle 3

Here we go again!

I knew this wouldn't be our month, I'm quite sure we skipped over O, but it's still disappointing to not get a bfp before Christmas. This means that there won't be a bfp at all in 2015. Hopefully that means 2016 will start off with a fun adventure!

This cycle was the last one for a summery baby, which stinks because I hate having babies in the middle of winter. However, it might encourage me to get down South by next winter even more!

Bill has always wanted an October baby, so I know he's going to try like crazy this next cycle. It's the first time we ever had a real shot at it. I would much rather a spring baby as opposed to a late fall baby, but I also don't want to wait until almost summer to start trying. I'd like my bfp as soon as possible, please! I don't really have time to be picky with birthdays, since we want to have this next baby up North before we move and have different insurance, which means asap. We have the opportunity to move starting next month (January), but we're holding off moving for now since we want this baby and Will has a hernia that needs to be watched and probably have surgery on in the next 6 months.

So hurry up, bfp! We're both very eager for our next little one and have so many plans!

Cy2, CD22

I'm CD 22. I have no idea when to expect AF after last cycle. I feel like I might get it early.

However, I'm alright with it. I want a normal cycle, but have made peace with a bfn coming. I'm now focused on the Christmas season. I have about a dozen different treats to make, and Katie is loving Christmas carols and movies so we've been having lots of fun.

In my mind, we're on a Christmas break and we'll resume TTC on the next cycle, which places O about 3-4 days after Christmas.

CD somewhere past O, cycle 2.

Well, I'm pretty sure now what happened last month. I had the idea, and apparently Bill did too. What's currently going on sort of confirms our thoughts, though I debated against recording it. To keep things straight though, I decided I should.

Last month we definitely hit ovulation, twice a day every day beforehand, then during.

Then I got my period just one week after ovulation, at Cd23. I have never gotten a period so early, even when heavily nursing or still adjusting after a baby. I've never skipped an entire week of a cycle before. Especially when I knew the exact day I O'ed.

And then the AF itself was all wrong. Clots happened before bleeding. It lasted a total of 7-8 days, when I'm normally only ever 4-5. My heavy day are normally the first 2-3 days only, and AF was very heavy until day 6. It even looked different in color.

This month, I'm emotionally insane for no reason. I'm super sappy and gushy. I'm super clingy and connected to Bill. My sex drive is through the roof and completely insatiable. All these things happened exactly like this right after I miscarried Elizabeth.

So now we're pretty sure that we didn't just fail at getting pregnant. We probably were successful in getting sperm to meet egg, but either it didn't form properly or didn't attach correctly, etc. All the signs showed that it started to happen, but didn't work out. I'm really glad I didn't test early, because I think it would have been crushing to see that. Having it be just speculation sucks enough.

At the very least, hopefully that's the last cycle that is messed up and it's not the start of multiple months of an undependable cycle.

As for this month, we NTNP. I purposely didn't keep track of my cycle days, though I'm quite sure I'm about two days after ovulation now. I believe AF is due around December 14th, so we'll see how that goes.

CD1

Well, not exactly sure what happened, but I'm on CD1, which is 5 days early. I don't know when I've ever been 5 days early, so I'm more surprised at that than I am that I'm not pregnant. I have no idea why my cycle was so thrown off and only 23 days long. I definitely O'ed on day 13-14, so cutting off a week seems so odd.

The cycle itself being so messed up is potentially why I didn't get pregnant this time. It definitely makes it hard to understand. Will nursed a lot after we got home from vacation, it's possible it messed it up slightly, but I don't see it as being so drastically different as to cause a 5 day jump.

We didn't get to DTD on the second day of O, but that shouldn't have been why. We did it twice a day for the whole week leading up to it, and hit the first day of it.

I was hoping that if we did get a bfn, it would at least be something I could learn from and use for later. This is too messed up, it doesn't make enough sense, so it feels like a wasted cycle.

8DPO, Cy #1

I'm trying so hard to not symptom spot. It's still early. I hate when others come up with long symptoms that are just standard daily things until you put them under a microscope and search for pregnancy.

However, I can't stop those little feelings that immediately pop up and say "Ah, what if that means we got it?" I hate not knowing if there's something in there or not! So yes, I'm mildly symptom spotting. Not taking temps or anything, not actually looking, but I feel things.

I'm 8 DPO. I have 6 more days until AF is due. Since yesterday, I've been crampy for no reason. My ovary hurts like Ovulation, but I'm past that. I'm not working out, just taking it easy, which usually doesn't lead to such early cramping. I have spikey stabbing pain in my cervix.

I KNOW that it's only a 50/50 chance. I know that logically, I'm probably not pregnant. It's our very first cycle, I'm still breastfeeding, things aren't always exactly on schedule, we didn't DTD while I was actually supposed to be O'ing. There's a lot counting against me here. And yet, every little cramp or stab makes me gasp a little in wonder.

TTC'ing won't be as difficult after this month. This just had a lot riding on it: special themes, special announcements, special baby gifts and ideas. After this month, I'll default back to what I have always planned. I just can't wait to see which way it goes.

Since AF was late last month, I'm now due on the 20th. I'll be testing on the 18th. Just have to ride it out until Wednesday and try to contain my curiosity!